Sunday 17th December 2017
I want my life to mean something, without having to be the most sociable, the most extrovert, the most popular person.
I want to do things. I want to go places.
I have had a very good few months. I have a handful of good friends, who I can be myself with, with whom I do not need to pretend to be someone else.
They accept me the way I am, reserved and introvert, with social anxiety and all that.
When I need space, they understand that, they will not think that I have forgotten them or ignoring them.
However, I meet them so rarely that in the meantime, I get sucked into trying to be someone else, be like others, try to mingle, and try to fit in groups I do not belong to.
Now, instead of feeling festive, like I was a few days ago, I am feeling down, having exhausted unnecessary effort in trying to change myself into someone I am not.
Only a few days ago, I was the most positive person you could ever get. I believed in getting out there, taking risks and believed that was the only way to live. Get out there, get hurt or enjoy, there is a risk in living after all.
Now, I have changed my mind. I do not want to put myself out there, to get hurt and not be wanted.
For this festive season, I will concentrate on my children, spend time with them, and forget about being sociable.